Don't Let It Show!

                                                

  

"The face is the window to the soul" ...... yeaaaah. That's awesome.
See, this has always been a BIG problem for me. I remember working as a teacher's assistant when I was 20 and being called into the Principal's office. I had messed up. Don't remember what I did - and yes, even at 20 I was a bit oh, lets just say - unpredictable! Anyway, the principal just informed me that whatever I had said or done was not the way things went around there. I, clearly, disagreed with my chastisement but kept my mouth shut and nodded. As I was allowed to leave she stopped me at the door with a gentle, but firm warning.....
"Be careful, your feelings are written all over your face"

Gulp.
Heh, heh. Okaaaay. That was the very first time I realized that my innermost thoughts and feelings actually showed. All. Over. My. Face. And, I didn't intend them to!
Well, I wouldn't make that mistake again!
Except I do. Every single day.

My husband is a genius. I don't know how he always knows. Even when I say "I'm FINE." or......."That's fine" or, "Whatever" - he can still tell I'm lying! And, he calls me out on it! Then we have to talk and oh man. How does he figure it out?

And my kids, lol - oh I can stop those adorable littles in their tracks with the raise of an eyebrow. What power I have with them. I can make them grin and run into my arms with a loving smile. Or, I can reduce them to feeling devastated and alone with a simple angry, awful stare.

At the grocery store, the lady who just nearly ran  my cart and my children and me into the stack of bread - oh - let me just tell you the nasty look she got!
Clearly I have perfected the art of expressing myself without making a sound. In fact, I think most of us are pretty good at this.

My 5 yo little is a beautiful spirit. She is someone I adore, and is going to become an amazing woman someday. Unfortunately, she has developed my little habit of "face-making". Whenever my little gets in trouble, she will walk away with angry eyebrows and a huge roll of the eyes....all the while muttering made up words under her breath. WHAT?
Who is this child???? She can't do that!
Obviously, I stop her every time (intentional parenting!!) and call her back to me. This last time we spoke about how the problem wasn't only the disrespect she was showing to me, it was about how the feelings in her heart were coming through on her face. It wasn't a face issue, or even a self control issue. It was a heart issue.

(side note: My 7yo at this point chipped in with his suggestion, taken directly from Disney's Frozen. "All you have to do is conceal it, don't feel it - don't let it show! Let it go, let it go................"
ha ha ha, love these kids!)

Well, anyway - so we are working on this. Together. As a family. I believe its important for my kids to know - Mommy's not perfect either. My heart is so often in the wrong place - and when it takes over my face and affects other people - I need to stop and regain control. I have to work on self control every single day. Not to stop myself from flying off the handle, no. Self control is a much sneakier adversary. We loose control every single day - multiple times - without even realizing it. The looks I give people, the words I mutter under my breath while I am driving. The spoon I slam down on the counter. The door I shut a little too hard. The words that slip out when I am upset with my littles.
My kids know I am working on self control. But, today I am going to focus on my face. It does, after all, reflect my heart. I am going to try to smile at my kids all day long. Even when I don't feel like smiling at them!
 I am going to grin and forgive that crazy lady at the grocery store (maybe let out a little "beep beep!" just so she knows we are in front of her?!) Today I am going to try to stop the anger from taking over my heart - and appearing on my face.

Words are a powerful weapon, but sometimes we can hurt with only a look. I am trying to teach this very important lesson to my children and therefore - its a lesson I need to relearn myself.
Good luck today moms. Take a breath,  we are all a work in progress.....and our kids need to know that. Smile at your children today. Let them see that your heart is happy. Smile at the lady at the grocery store, she may be in a world of hurt all her own. Even if you don't feel it at first - sometimes it takes a conscious effort to change our heart -  try to put the smile on your face. You may be amazed at the reactions you will get.

Each Day is A GIFT

                                                      

 

Such a common saying. We know this already. I have blogged about it before! Our littles are a blessing, each day is a gift, enjoy and cherish it......its all been said. We all know it.
Then tragedy strikes. It finds our family. Our loved one. Our dear friends. Our community.
My last blog was about not living in fear. We see bad things all around us and instead of living in fear of them happening, we should be thankful for each day and live it to the fullest.
Well, today's blog is expanding on that a bit. Call it a part 2 if you will.

This week has been a very difficult one for me. This post is a difficult one to write. But its one I need to. Its a post we all need to read once in a while. Because, our gifts - our very precious blessings - become ordinary. They become annoyances. Our precious littles become frustrating. Our husbands or wives become one of many on our list of grievances.

This week, our dear friends have been suffering through something NO parent should ever, ever have to go through. One of their little miracles is fighting for her life. A week ago, it was just another long night with a baby - bottles, diapers, fussy afternoons. Now - they would give anything to have that back. They are holding on to every last bit of hope and have the whole country praying for a miracle.

Our community in Boston lost two of our finest. Just like that. Our heroes are gone. They went rushing in, not a thought of themselves. Didn't look back. So young - they left devastated families behind.
These two events have left me emotional empty. Hours I have cried and prayed for this little baby and her family. Disbelief I felt as I watched the fire and aftermath in Boston.

These are tragedies. They are devastating. This is a sad post to write - but there is a purpose behind this. So often we ask why. Why would this be allowed to happen. Why to these amazing people? Oh they are answers we just don't have and no amount of faith in the world makes it ok. So, can anything even remotely positive come out of it?

Well, I stopped yesterday - in a very frustrating moment with my littlest little. She doesn't have a ton of words yet and has taken to whining every command. Over. and Over. and Over. (This particular stage - while I adore her - drives me to the point of severe frustration. We all have kiddos who go through difficult stages. Newborns, toddlers, terrible 3's, pre adolescent, teenagers. If there hasn't been a stage yet - there will be, new moms, I promise.) Well, yesterday was a particularly rough day. I got her down from her high chair after 10 min of non stop whining (clearly I didn't serve her exactly what she was expecting) I went to walk away to take a breath - and I stopped. I reached down and picked her up and just held her.
I felt her little heart beating, smelled her baby fresh hair and kissed her sweet little neck. How precious. What a gift.  A gift I may not have tomorrow. A gift I have been given today.
There is no guarantee for tomorrow. Its not something we should expect, or think we deserve. Our children, our husbands, our parents, our relatives and our friends are all precious, precious gifts! Every morning we wake up is our own chance at a new day. A new, amazing gift of life.
When these tragedies strike - sickness, fires, plane crashes, death - it can really affect our hearts - our emotions. Why? Because we realize for that brief moment how precious each life.....and each day is. We realize that no tomorrow is certain. Life is fragile and not to be taken for granted.
So, should we walk around in fear? Terrified when our loved ones walk out the door? When they sneeze or cough?When we don't hear from them exactly when we should? 
Clearly not. Faith is something we need to develop and practice, and fear has no place in a peaceful, joyful life.

Nor should we forget how precious each day with them is. How perfectly lovely each wet baby kiss is. How grateful we should be for the pictures colored for us by sticky little hands. That the toys we trip over are reminders of the amazing gifts asleep in their beds. How our spouse's frustrating habits are simply a reminder that he is there. Asleep next to us. Walking by our side the next day.

So moms - pray with me for these families - as they walk through these difficult days, trying to come to terms with what they are going through.
And, then - stop. And thank the Lord for your life. No matter how frustrating, or stressful or truly difficult things may seem at this moment. You are awake. You have been given a new day. Your littles are sleeping sweetly in their beds, probably waking up soon. What an incredible gift. Take in their sweet smells, their giggles and their tears. Know that each moment with them is blessed. Love your husband. Call him, text him. Show him he is special and loved. Your family members that drive you crazy - they won't always be there.
 Don't forget to say I love you, tomorrow is not a guarantee, its a gift.

No Fear

                                           

So......I am scared. Yep. I am afraid of so many things. Its weird. I was not always like this. I wasn't the kid who was afraid of the dark, or strangers, or bugs! I didn't have those nightmares kids have (maaaay get a call from Mom after she reads this. We may remember things differently!) I never had those strange phobias....like a certain adorable 5 year old who is unable to go potty at night for fear of the non-existent bug in the toilet!
 Nope, not me. I was pretty darn brave. Even after I got married, I was proud of my ability to "handle things". I was that "outspoken, not afraid of any guy" kind of girl!

Fast forward. I have just given birth. I am holding this precious little miracle in my arms. 8lbs of pure perfection. I would have given my life at that exact moment to protect this amazing little angel sent from heaven.
Oh. My. Gosh. I am officially terrified. My husband deployed a few days after my oldest little was born. I was a wreck. I was afraid. What if something happened to him? What would I do? I left my little 6 week old miracle with his Godmother for the first time so I could run to the pharmacy. I was gone 45min. I was a hot mess. I was terrified. What if he needed me? What if something happened, like an earthquake? How would I get to him?
Well, clearly I have evolved a bit - those random, crazy terrors of a first time momma are a bit less intense, less irrational. However, I am officially a more fearful person. Becoming a wife and mother help to create a new type of feeling, a new love. It creates something you can't explain, like a ferocious type of "momma bear" fierceness that can only be described as love.
You wouldn't know I am terrified, I hide it well.
I am better now than I was 4 or 5 years ago. I was in rough shape then. When my husband would leave for work, he would have to call me or text me when he got there. My kids didn't drive with anyone but us (well, they still don't for the most part!). When sickness came my heart braced for the worst diagnosis. If there was a chance for a babysitter, I would worry something would happen to us - what would become of my kids?!
It was not something that consumed me, just the occasional, random moment of terror. Fear that would, just once in a while, grip my heart. But, it was awful. I loved these amazing gifts from God (my husband included) so much I could not fathom life any other way.
And, then the thinking would start. I didn't deserve these amazing little people in my life. Bad things happen to good people. We are too blessed. I waited for the other shoe to drop.

Mommas - its a rough way to think and live. Trust me. I know. It really takes the joy away from a life that should be lived in peace and happiness. A life full of blessings meant to be enjoyed.
Here comes the "faithy" part. I was right. About everything. I didn't deserve these amazing gifts. Bad things do happen to good people. We are blessed.
We are blessed.
Me. My family.
Created by an All-Powerful, Mighty God. He formed my little miracles in my womb, me gave me the gift of a husband - to be by my side for as long as the Lord has planned. He loves my children. He loves me. He. Loves. Me. Could I trust this Maker with what I held most dear?
It was a struggle, for sure. Of course I knew He could take care of us. But, I also knew that random, awful things happen to wonderful people all the time. How could I expect to be any different?
Because He loves me. I needed to believe that. It won't change anything - random awful, heartbreaking things could happen to my precious family or me at any time. But, I belong to a Mighty God who has blessed me for a purpose and has called me to the life I now live.
I chose to stop living in fear - even if it was a closet fear no one knew about. I chose to start thanking Him every day for my blessings. I realized that each blessing was given for a reason. What was I doing with them? My focus needed to shift from fear of loosing those blessings to joy in exploring what I was going to do with my blessings. How would I raise my children? What kind of people will I send out into this world? How would I treat my husband? What kind of wife will I be to him?

Could I still loose these things I hold most dear? Absolutely. But, my faith has grown by leaps and bounds and I now take each day for what it is. A gift. A gift full of blessings to enjoy, love, cherish , teach and mold. To be honest, I do a lot more thanking now than worrying. My fear has turned into gratitude. Gratitude for the time I do have with my littles, with my best friend, with my family and friends. Each moment is a gift. I have faith that our lives will be full and blessed.
If something catastrophic happens.......I know I am loved. Loved and carried through.

So, take a deep breath mommas. Let go of those fears deep down. You DO deserve the blessings you have been given. Say a prayer of thanks, give them an extra hug and kiss and get back to the job molding those littles to bless the world as biggies.

My "Other Half"
                               

Ahhhhh.....finally! I was able to draaag my butt out of bed early enough this morning to grab a cup of coffee and enjoy a few minutes of quiet! This daylight savings thing messes with me every time! Over the past week or so we have been working our way through various illnesses and I am eagerly awaiting spring. Seriously. Eager. As in, if it doesn't come soon, I have demanded we move south.

So, lets get back to the whole "illness" thing! Last week my three littles came down with a violent tummy bug, all at the exact same time - 9pm. So, my husband and I rolled up our sleeves (no, literally) and began the gruelling process of walking three miserable littles through a night of the tummy bug. Countless sheet changes, hair holds and back rubs later - around 3am, the last little drifted off into a fitful sleep. Hubby and I just looked at each other and began to laugh. Very. very. quietly. It was all we could do. We had just made it through a very yucky, miserable experience and yet - we made it! And the only one I could laugh with in the middle of the night after something like that would be him.
 My husband. My partner in crime. My bestie.
Yep, this one is about him ladies. The one we have been blessed to share our lives with. The man who literally drives us crazy and then turns around and makes us laugh when we should cry. Think back to your wedding day. How long has it been? A year? 5? 15? We are coming up on our 10th Anniversary as husband and wife (although I swear our time together before that counts too! It must!) That day was one of my favorite. Oh I remember our first few years too, they were fun! We had no where near as many responsibilities, our first son was born about a year and a half later. That was fun too! Raising one baby - while tough - fun!
Fast forward. 10 years. 3 kids. 2 Moves. 3 Transfers. Mortgage. Minivan. Dog.
Still fun.....kind of.
Harder. Much harder. Life goes by fast these days. Kind of in a blurr. Its more of a juggling act? A relay race, if you will. We each take turns rocking babies, running to the store, racing kids to birthday parties, unclogging toilets, groceries, doctors appointments, sick littles, off to work, laundry, dishes, skinned knee, etc. etc. etc. etc.

But, at the end of the day it is worth it. It is worth it because I have a partner. He is my other half. I understand that expression now. 10 years ago I didn't. This life we live is a blessing. We are SO blessed. Its hard. Yep, it can be very hard. It drives me to tears at times. But, my greatest blessing is to have that one person walking next to me, sharing in the joy, sorrow, sweat, tears. When the kids are being extra cute, I look at him. Watch him laugh at them. Watch him hold my daughter or teach my son. I love doing this with him.

Don't get me wrong. Its not all sunshine and roses. Not all puppies and chocolate. Oooooh nooooo, not by a long shot. Let me explain. All this lovey dovey, he is the black to my white, peanut butter to my jelly talk? Its true. He is my balance, my partner.
My complete opposite.

Seriously. We are complete opposites. He is calm. I am, um - maybe a bit irrational? He is matter of fact, I am maybe a bit emotional (seriously, though, I like to call it passionate!) He is analytical, plans things out, a bit more of the "measure 28 times, cut once" kind of guy. I am the "wait, we have to TAPE before we throw the paint on the walls? I just wanted to touch it up real quick!"
He drives me bonkers. Bonkers!
But, he is perfect for me. The things about us that are so different are what make us work. (Trust me, two of ME, living in the same world would be catastrophic. I have a feeling.) No, of course we are not going to have the same ideas on budgeting, household chores, raising littles.  Of course we are going to see things differently.
And, this is ok.
He is not me. He is not going to handle the discipline the same exact way (although very important to be on same page!). He is not going to see the house in the same way, he is not going to be able to just know how I am feeling or what is wrong.
But, I owe it to him to talk it out. Tell him. Love him anyway. Its ok that we are different. Actually, thank God we are!

Long after these littles have grown up and moved off (tear), it will be the hubby and me. He came first and will be here long after. We have a game in our house that the kids like to play (no judging!) where they all like to tell us why they are our "favorite" child. Well, one day in the kitchen Hubby and I were standing next to each other while littles were eating, and I looked at him (and willed him to play along with my eyes) and told the kids I would finally tell them who my favorite was. Oooooh you would have thought I was about to tell them where the pot of gold was! They couldn't believe I was about to dish on who it was! I looked and them and at hubby, threw my arms around him and said "Daddy is my favorite".
Oh. Well, they didn't seem to care, or believe me. Until I said "no, I promise you. Daddy is my favorite. He came before you. I love God first. Daddy second. You guys next. Daddy is and always will be my favorite".
Well - chaos erupted. I heard protests from these littles like I had just said we were getting rid of weekends.
My husband at this point stepped in and said "I agree. Mommy is my favorite. God gave me mommy first, mommies and daddies have to love each other first so that together we can love you guys".
Well. There you go. My children learned a very valuable lesson that night. Of course they know we love them. We adore them.
But mommy and daddy are a team, before them and after them. We are not a perfect team, but we are in it for the long haul and have a lifetime to work on it.
Moms, you are not alone. You have a partner. He is far from perfect. But he is yours. He is the one you are navigating this life with. And he will be by your side long after these chaotic years of raising littles are gone. 
Grab his hand, hold on tight and enjoy the wild ride. Don't forget to kiss, hug and dance in front of those littles - let them see you love each other! Even when you may not "feel" the love - it is deeper than a feeling. It is a partnership. A commitment. A secure, safe place to run to in this world. You may not always feel the sunshine and roses, but your partner will always have your back. And, right about now - that sounds pretty good to me.

LENT - 40 Days of Sacrifice
                                                  

                 This is just a quick little post for the day. Today marks the start of lent. As one who is not Catholic, I never really practiced the sacrifice of giving up something special for lent. Well, I think this year I am. I have just been overwhelmed with how incredibly blessed I am. My husband, children, my health, family, home, job, etc. This list goes on and on and on. I have never had to sacrifice (other that maybe tightening the purse strings when times get tough - and even that I am not great at!) anything of great importance, and yet there are those who have to give up so much every day.
I will participate in Lent this year. I will use it as a time of reflection, thankfulness and try to pass on my blessings to those who are in need. I am giving up eating out. For 40 days. No coffee from Dunkin Donuts. No pizza from the most amazing little restaurant I work at, no stealing fries from those occasional happy meals.
I have never felt the ache of loosing my home, watching my country ravaged by war, loosing a child, not knowing where my next meal will come from or if my family will survive tomorrow. We live in a land of PLENTY. We are BLESSED beyond belief. There is a reason for our blessings, they are not given freely. We are to use them to bless others. Our homes - open them to a family who could use the company and warm meal. Our time - give to those who are overwhelmed with life. Our blessings are given in order to bless others.
This will be my focus this Lent season. Every time I wish I could grab a coffee or order food at the end of a long bartending shift......or go out to eat with my hubby, I will remember the sacrifices made for me, and be grateful for the amazing life I have been blessed with. I will do my best every day to pass on a blessing to someone else.

The Perfect Mom.....?

                                                            

                            I had the amazing privilege of briefly talking with a couple other homeschooling moms the other day. These were moms of many children; quiet, faithful, gentle moms who I greatly look up to and admire. Their children are cute, well behaved and seem very happy and content. The moms themselves are very smart, pretty, calm moms who seem to have it all together. They have been homeschooling for a few years and, in my eyes, know it all. I am sure they bake bread (after grinding their own wheat), take meals to those in need and have all the time in the world to read endless stories after a day of calmly homeschooling their children. Did I mention the perfect dinner they probably have on the clean table when their husband comes home?

Meanwhile, at my house..........
My kids decided to dress themselves (shorts in Feb? A battle for another day....) my house is a disaster zone (mom this is NOT a good week to come by, you will literally never make it through the front door. It is blocked by laundry). I haven't showered since, hmmmm - well when did I last blog? And, we are still on our first lesson of the day - at 2pm, because kids and mom had melt downs and we needed to regroup. Oh my and lets not even talk about dinner.

So, how do these other moms do it????? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???? How come I just can not get it together yet, these other moms make it look easy?????!!!!

It's because I believe lies. It's all a bunch of lies. I am completely brain washed by the idea that a mom can do it all, and do it all well. Guess what? Some people (not sure who, they may need new glasses!) may look at me and think I know what I am doing and that I have it together. HA! Oh my, if that's the case I put on a good show!

Oh moms, there is no mom out there who believes she is gliding along, getting it all done and doing it well. Its just completely untrue and we have all bought into the idea that she can. We are constantly comparing ourselves to other moms, other families and other kiddos. And, it. is. hurting. us.
Trust me, that mom you think has it together is just as exhausted and overwhelmed as you! She has her doubts, her fears, her house has its dirty secret rooms shut off to the public. Her kids have complete and utter meltdowns that make the Kardashians look like angels. She makes grilled cheese and pancakes for dinner - or orders pizza, again. She doesn't remember the last time she shaved, and, to be honest - she failed epically at her mom job today - multiple times!

The lie that we believe is that there is this "other mom" out there that can do this, and do it without the failures we all struggle through. Moms, the more we believe this lie the more it will break us down and impair our ability to be the kind of mom only we can be. In my previous post I wrote about how we are the exact mom our kids need and guess what? Its true. Our kids are not perfect, and neither are we. We are faaaaar from perfect. We. All of us moms. Every single one. Those moms you see picking up the kids from school? NOT PERFECT! The moms you see at church, or the play date you just had at that gorgeous house (clean!? organized!? Unreal.)? Not perfect. I promise.

So, today mom, remember this. You are not alone! We all struggle with kids who complain, don't want to do school work, laundry that keeps multiplying (for no known reason cuz the kids haven't had clean clothes in their drawers for days!) toddlers that make us want to pull out our unwashed hair, houses that should be boarded up because they are clearly contaminated, and dinners that, lets be honest, don't contain exactly the right amount of fruits and veggies (hey, strawberry jam on pancakes counts?! doesn't it?!)

Take a deep breath mom, you are not alone, you are not loosing it - and no, that "other" mom doesn't have it all together. She feels the exact same way you do.
So, today - reach out to a friend. A friend you can be REAL with. Connect, call her up,  have a cup of coffee, and be real. Don't let her believe you have it all together, because I promise - she doesn't. And, I am willing to bet she could use the support and love just as much as you can.
Enjoy your little ones today - they are different than yesterday, older by one day and continuing to grow. Don't waste time wishing you were better, faster, cleaner, stronger. Be strong in the mom you are today, and remember, we are ALL in the same boat.