No Fear

                                           

So......I am scared. Yep. I am afraid of so many things. Its weird. I was not always like this. I wasn't the kid who was afraid of the dark, or strangers, or bugs! I didn't have those nightmares kids have (maaaay get a call from Mom after she reads this. We may remember things differently!) I never had those strange phobias....like a certain adorable 5 year old who is unable to go potty at night for fear of the non-existent bug in the toilet!
 Nope, not me. I was pretty darn brave. Even after I got married, I was proud of my ability to "handle things". I was that "outspoken, not afraid of any guy" kind of girl!

Fast forward. I have just given birth. I am holding this precious little miracle in my arms. 8lbs of pure perfection. I would have given my life at that exact moment to protect this amazing little angel sent from heaven.
Oh. My. Gosh. I am officially terrified. My husband deployed a few days after my oldest little was born. I was a wreck. I was afraid. What if something happened to him? What would I do? I left my little 6 week old miracle with his Godmother for the first time so I could run to the pharmacy. I was gone 45min. I was a hot mess. I was terrified. What if he needed me? What if something happened, like an earthquake? How would I get to him?
Well, clearly I have evolved a bit - those random, crazy terrors of a first time momma are a bit less intense, less irrational. However, I am officially a more fearful person. Becoming a wife and mother help to create a new type of feeling, a new love. It creates something you can't explain, like a ferocious type of "momma bear" fierceness that can only be described as love.
You wouldn't know I am terrified, I hide it well.
I am better now than I was 4 or 5 years ago. I was in rough shape then. When my husband would leave for work, he would have to call me or text me when he got there. My kids didn't drive with anyone but us (well, they still don't for the most part!). When sickness came my heart braced for the worst diagnosis. If there was a chance for a babysitter, I would worry something would happen to us - what would become of my kids?!
It was not something that consumed me, just the occasional, random moment of terror. Fear that would, just once in a while, grip my heart. But, it was awful. I loved these amazing gifts from God (my husband included) so much I could not fathom life any other way.
And, then the thinking would start. I didn't deserve these amazing little people in my life. Bad things happen to good people. We are too blessed. I waited for the other shoe to drop.

Mommas - its a rough way to think and live. Trust me. I know. It really takes the joy away from a life that should be lived in peace and happiness. A life full of blessings meant to be enjoyed.
Here comes the "faithy" part. I was right. About everything. I didn't deserve these amazing gifts. Bad things do happen to good people. We are blessed.
We are blessed.
Me. My family.
Created by an All-Powerful, Mighty God. He formed my little miracles in my womb, me gave me the gift of a husband - to be by my side for as long as the Lord has planned. He loves my children. He loves me. He. Loves. Me. Could I trust this Maker with what I held most dear?
It was a struggle, for sure. Of course I knew He could take care of us. But, I also knew that random, awful things happen to wonderful people all the time. How could I expect to be any different?
Because He loves me. I needed to believe that. It won't change anything - random awful, heartbreaking things could happen to my precious family or me at any time. But, I belong to a Mighty God who has blessed me for a purpose and has called me to the life I now live.
I chose to stop living in fear - even if it was a closet fear no one knew about. I chose to start thanking Him every day for my blessings. I realized that each blessing was given for a reason. What was I doing with them? My focus needed to shift from fear of loosing those blessings to joy in exploring what I was going to do with my blessings. How would I raise my children? What kind of people will I send out into this world? How would I treat my husband? What kind of wife will I be to him?

Could I still loose these things I hold most dear? Absolutely. But, my faith has grown by leaps and bounds and I now take each day for what it is. A gift. A gift full of blessings to enjoy, love, cherish , teach and mold. To be honest, I do a lot more thanking now than worrying. My fear has turned into gratitude. Gratitude for the time I do have with my littles, with my best friend, with my family and friends. Each moment is a gift. I have faith that our lives will be full and blessed.
If something catastrophic happens.......I know I am loved. Loved and carried through.

So, take a deep breath mommas. Let go of those fears deep down. You DO deserve the blessings you have been given. Say a prayer of thanks, give them an extra hug and kiss and get back to the job molding those littles to bless the world as biggies.