The End.......

                                            

How does one begin a blog on the END? Especially an hour before leaving to go to the hospital to have a baby?? I mean, the END - sounds kind of morbid? Sad? Negative? 

Well, let me tell you - right before a baby comes moms think. Moms get a wee tad bit emotional. Moms know the extreme change that is about to take place in our universe and sometimes these moms need to get up at 3:30 to blog about it! ha ha ha

In all seriousness, it has been a very fast 9 months. A new little life is about to take its first breath. A first cry, a first glimpse at a tiny little one's face......so many firsts are about to take place. 

But, this is also a big last. This is our last baby. ((barring any major "oops" of course!))

Baby number 4 - what a lifetime of blessings we have been given. If you had asked me in high school or college if this is where I saw myself in the future - military wife, homeschooling mom, FOUR kids? I would have called you bat sh*! crazy! 

But, what a wild, amazing ride its been. I have loved (for the most part!) being pregnant, birthing babies, nursing little ones, bathing squirming little bodies and chasing toddlers. 

While I still have a couple toddlers to chase, this is the end of my birthing babies phase of life. Whoa. 

That's a big deal. As a mom, you know when you are done having children. Most women just know. But that urge, that feeling of "oh, what if" when you see a newborn baby or remember the tiny hiccups that took over your belly - it never goes away, does it? 

I guess its exactly how God intended it to be, because the miracle of growing a life in your womb is hands down the most incredible experience in the whole world. Not always pleasant or comfortable - but incredible. 

But, all things must end. It is one of the definite's of life - one of the concrete things we can count on. In this life, there is a beginning and an end. There will be a last baby. There will be a last time that I nurse an infant, change a diaper and wipe a nose. There will be a last time that my daughter needs me to dry her hair for her, and a last time that my son needs me to fix him a snack. My crazy toddler will not always run into my arms calling "mama", very soon she will switch to "mom" just like the big kids. 

And, there will be a last time that I feel these little kicks, this little squirming body within mine. 

Today is that day for me. 

It could make me sob, thinking about it. 

Or, it could not. 

I could look at all these emotional lasts and know, without a doubt - I have done my best to cherish these moments. To be thankful for the gift of these precious moments, memories and experiences. I could look at the phase of my life that's ending and let it consume me with regret or sadness, or....... I could embrace the one that is ahead. 

The one where my littles become - not so little. Where I see them grow into the children, teens and young adults that they are destined to be. 

I have loved watching them learn to sit, walk, talk and play - why stop now? 

As these little people enter the next phase in their life with courage and excitement - I will try to do the same. 

I will cherish these last precious moments of watching my large belly morph in front of me, cry tears of joy when I meet this little miracle today and step out into the new and exciting journey that lies ahead of me.  

I will be grateful for each day that I get to watch these littles grow into amazing big little people. 

I will breathe and trust that in this life, when there is a beginning - there will also always be an end. The end comes. Whether we are ready or not. This life is a gift, every single day is a precious, amazing gift. This life is a ride, a crazy, amazing ride. And, yes - the end to everything will eventually come. 

Thank God we always have the next "phase" to look forward to. 

Life As We Know It.....

                                              

Well, this blog may be a little different than most - as I want to share with you a little about our day to day life!

 I originally started this blog to document my journey in motherhood, parenting, homeschooling and life in general. More for me than you - but it has been so rewarding to share and get to know those who struggle with the same things! 
So, this being a new school year - and almost a year since I began writing - I thought an update was needed. 

The biggest change in our lives will be the addition of our 4th little blessing during the first week of October. We are beyond thrilled! 

****But, seriously? YIKES! FOUR KIDS!****
 (ha ha ha ha - Oh Lord - please pour out Your Blessings, Grace and please please dear husband buy me more wine!)

In addition to this amazing little miracle, this past spring and summer has been a bit crazy with dear Daddy deployed for most of it. He has come and gone (we are so grateful for the days and weeks he was able to be home!) but it was most challenging being pregnant and on my own with three littles this summer. But, God is good - and provides strength and endurance when ours runs out. 

Our homeschool year ended a bit abruptly last spring - early May - when dear mommy quit. lol No really. I quit. We had finished some of our subjects early and the rest we realized we needed a new curriculum for - a new, fresh approach, because clearly this one wasn't working. I was miserable! 

We continued reading, doing projects and going on field trips throughout the summer but took time off from hard core studies. It was a challenging first year of homeschooling for me. I tried to hard to mimic the incredible Christian school my son had previously attended. I tried SO hard to give my daughter the same foundation he had. I failed - so so miserably! Or at least I thought so! 

Problem was - we stopped having fun. We never had time for field trips, projects, crafts, playing!!! 

Good grief - what was I homeshcooling for then?! When the joy is sapped out of something, anything - marriage and parenting included - then you tend to doubt your purpose. 

So, THIS year - things are different! After I spent a few days in the fetal position wondering how on earth I would homeschool a 3rd grader, 2nd year Kindergarten'er and all while taking care of a 2 year old and a newborn - I scraped myself off the floor and got to work.
 I spent most of the spring and summer questioning other moms, researching different curricula, thinking - writing and re-writing schedules until I came up this this years "plan"! Here it is:
I have employed the KISS method. 

Keep. It. Simple. Stupid. 

Yep. Simplify. When in doubt -simplify your life! Kids hungry when they get home from school? Feed them dinner at 3:30! Why not? 
Then homework, play, shower - snack and bed! Cha-ching. 
Daddy deployed or working late for a while and evenings are quite possibly the most evil time of the day? Shower and bathe kids early, mornings even, then feed them dinner at lunch time and do pb&j for a quick snack before bed - swap the schedule around! Make it easy, make it simple.

So - instead of cramming 10 subjects down my 3rd grader's throat - here is what I "teach" him:
Math
Grammar
Reading
Spelling


Done. (oh - but we're not, just breathe all you doubters! Just breathe!) 

Here is what I "teach" my K5'er:
Reading
Grammar
Math


Done.  ;) 

I should also note, we begin each day with Bible - its a fun, family time that has SO enriched our lives. Really cool way to start your day - just sayin'! 

So I have a set amount of individual time with each child a couple times a day for new lessons, reviews, tests, etc in each of these subjects. Its our very sacred one-on-one time. We all look forward to it. During those times the toddler has her activity boxes, Curious George, music, and sibling to play with. 

This greatly reduced the stress on me. Whereas last year I had 6 or 7 subjects I was requiring myself to teach, individually, to each child. Um, yeah - okay no wonder I withered and died a horrible death. No wonder we had zero time for joy or fun, or anything else. 

This year we have implemented "Independent Work" as well. Each child has a set of work boxes and folders. They each have a clip board with a printed, laminated check list for each day. Every morning I take 20-30 min and we go over their IW for the day. 
This includes (for the third grader): 
Spelling words
Cursive
Reading Comprehension
Silent Reading
Copy work
Math Practice
Vocabulary
And anything else I may feel like adding that day! 

My K5'er would have
Copy work
Math Practice
Silent Reading
Coloring
Art work of some kind
Lego building
..........etc. 

Not every subject, every day - but usually 3-5 activities that they are responsible to complete before the school day is done.


The Independent Work is to be done while I am teaching the other child, working with the toddler or baby to be, doing dishes, blogging ;) etc!
This is a great system that encourages independence, responsibility and pride in accomplishment. 
So far - its working great! 

The other change we have implemented this year is our 4 week cycle. We will school in 4 weeks.
The first three weeks are Academic Weeks, the 4th week is our Enrichment Week. 

Enrichment Weeks are a much needed step back from the hard core academics and instead focus on enrichment activities!
 Our week includes science lessons and experiments, history lessons, historical biography reading, amazing field trips, art projects, crafts, Little Passport Lessons and just fun activities. 

So, this is a little glimpse into our (always being tweaked!) schedule this fall. I can not tell you how excited I am for this year. I am very happy with the skills the kids have maintained over their summer break, their enthusiasm for our new year and the way most days flow right now. 

So far so good - but remember, no day is perfect for ANY mom! Most are FAAAAAR from it! 
I still turn into "CRAAAAAZZZZY MOMMY" by 5pm! There are some days (and its only week 2!) that I want to send them all back where they came from, and other days where my hormones, exhaustion and stress land me back in that familiar fetal position!

 But, I get to wake up each morning to a fresh start, a new day and His abundant forgiveness, amazing blessings and infinite GRACE! 
I get to enjoy my cup of coffee and watch my littles grow, learn, play, laugh and become amazing people before my eyes! Life is about to get a little crazier - but I think its going to be ok! 

((however, I will keep you posted!))

Will post pictures of the work boxes, clip boards (individually decorated of course!) and websites I love and visit on our facebook page! 
https://www.facebook.com/blessingsgraceandwine?ref=hl

Hope your school year is off to an amazing start - and don't forget - its really all about Blessings, Grace and of course the occasional glass (or bottle?!) of wine! 

What Goes In......Must Come Out

                                                               

I have been waking up early the past few weeks, usually around 6:00am. An ungodly hour for some - including myself. However, this whole pregnancy thing can get quite uncomfortable around this point so sleep often eludes me. That,  and I really am enjoying the quiet, my coffee and my secret stash of mini blueberry muffins. 

As I have sat here, in the quiet of the morning, I have been noticing that, as of late,  I seem to be lacking in the patience, gentleness and self control department. I attribute some of it to my usual weaknesses,  made greater by - you guessed it - pregnancy! It really is fun, isn't it moms?

 So, I have been praying - so hard - for help in controlling my verb-age when it comes to my sweet babies. I want to be kind, loving, gentle to speak. Gentle to discipline. I don't want to break down and sob on the floor when the toddler spills her milk - again. I don't want to threaten bodily harm when my son speaks out of line - again. I don't want to question my daughter's mental capacity (aloud anyway) when I see her brushing the bathroom mirror instead of her teeth. I want to speak gently.  

So, I have been praying, hard. But, I just can't seem to control the emotions, the words, the feelings. I know that my body is being hijacked by a mini-being - but I know that through prayer and determination I can work on how I address my children! I can control how I speak, I can be that gentle, quiet mother who admonishes through love, not anger - can't I???

My devotion verse today - Matthew 12:34-35
   "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil things stored up in him."

You don't say. 

 Guess what moms, while how we speak IS a control issue, its also a much bigger heart issue.
 See what comes out of my mouth is a direct result of what has filled my heart. The problem may not be as much a self control or character issue as it is an issue of what goes in - will also come out.  If my well is dry - gentleness, kindness, patience will never be able to flow out of it.

 Goodness in = goodness out! Guess what, Moms? We need to take time to replenish our supply of good, in order to bestow it on the ones we hold most dear. We need our well to remain full and not run dry. In other words - for those who believe in the power of God to replenish, restore and fill - spend time with Him! Take some quiet time in the morning. Find a great little devotional, read the Bible (whaaaat???!!!)..........pray even! Take time to get together with a dear friend - one who will encourage you, pray for you, listen to you - love you. Go for a walk - by yourself. Recharge. 

Anyone else have littles that think 6am is ok to wake up and start their day? Put. Them. Back. To. Bed. 
7:30 is absolute earliest in this house. Littlest little - thank goodness - still sleeps til almost then. But, even she will learn when its ok to come out. 
Moms need that quiet time. Mornings are best - but anytime you can get it - take it!
For those that read this that don't believe what I do - I would encourage you to explore it - my faith has saved me - on more than one occasion. Motherhood is far too demanding and depleting to attempt without an anchor of faith. 

As moms we live to fulfill the needs of those around us. We give and give of ourselves, without a thought of anything in return. But, you can't give if there is nothing left. You can not give the love, patience, support, encouragement and guidance your children and husband need if YOU, dear mom, are not seeking these same things from above. Our tongues, our words, our responses to spilled milk are going to be a direct reflection of the shape our own hearts are in. 
Remember, one can give only if one has. Take time to fill your heart with the Word, prayer, reflection, peace and happiness. You will be amazed at what is then able to come out.......

 "For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil things stored up in him."

Love is.....HARD

                                   

Well, I just realized my last blog was months ago! What happened? I was doing SO well! Blogging was totally no big deal - I could fit it in. No problem. Then, I blinked and almost 2 months went by. Oops.

But, it has been on my heart. So many days - so many accomplishments and failures. Laughter, joy, tears, heartache. Life continues on at an amazing pace - it doesn't stop because I don't have time to sit down and write about it.

I love my life. I love my children, I LOVE my husband. It gets crazy - but I really do love it.
And, by love it, I mean - it makes me sob tears of joy, scream through tears of frustration, growl and bark at my children in ways that are truly of the animal kingdom, throw things, hug so tightly, kiss so sweetly....loving my life.....makes. me. crazy. Seriously.

LOVE.

You know that verse about love? Here, let me remind you:
1 Corinthians 13 (ESV)
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;^{[b] 6} it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Yeeeeaaaahhhh. Remember that one? The one that, as moms, reminds us of our short comings every. single. day? Love is patient. Oops. Love is kind. Um, missed that one today. Love is not rude (does snapping at my kiddos count? Really?) Its not irritable or resentful??? Ugh.

Oh moms - we know this verse. Even those of you who don't read the Bible have heard of it! Its at every wedding ceremony, its what we are taught to reach for! And, its not a bad thing! True love - true agape love is definitely what we should reach for every single day.

But, I want to just call attention to the laaaaast little line of this verse. We had a sermon a while back about this and it was eye opening for me.  Love is not easy or painless. Read this:
Vs 7 - LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS.

Bears all things (definition) -

3.

endure (an ordeal or difficulty).

"she bore the pain stoically"

• manage to tolerate (a situation or experience).

Endures all things (definition)-

verb

3rd person present: endures

1. 1.

   suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently.

   "it seemed impossible that anyone could endure such pain"

 

Hold on a minute.

Love bears all things and endures all things. You mean, love is difficult?

 Love is an ordeal? Love is just TOLERATING something? Love is a painful experience that we suffer through???

LOVE IS REALLY REALLY HARD SOMETIMES?

 

Well, that kind of explains a lot.

I knew it wasn't easy to love.

Its not easy to love my children, day in and day out. (shh)

 

You mean, its okay to admit this is hard? That loving these little boogers isn't always easy? Sometimes its something that is actually painfully difficult?

 

Its not easy to love my husband. We don't always see eye to eye (that's putting it nicely lol) and yes sometimes, loving your best friend is much more like enduring a situation than walking through rainbows and sunshine, holding hands.

 

But, its also not easy to love them SO much. When they walk out the door for a deployment. When you watch your little one (and not so little ones) leave to go somewhere. When you loose someone you love.. . . . . . when something so horrible takes place, that you thought would never happen to you....

 

Love is very, very hard. It doesn't just mean being patient, and kind and sweet. It means its not easy to love - anyone.  It means sometimes instead feeling warm fuzzies - you want to kick and scream and cry and give up. We are far from perfect, and the people we choose to love are far from perfect. I think that probably explains why our ways of loving are an ordeal - it explains why love, for us, can be a painful, exhausting experience.

 

As my hubby left early this morning for another (thankfully short) deployment, I will re-learn this lesson - again. Seven months pregnant with our 4th little - doing it all alone is the hardest thing I have ever done (so far. Life is still young lol)

 

But, we all re-learn this - every day. Love is not all skittles and candy. Love is SO hard. Love ENDURES. Love BEARS ALL THINGS.

 

Momma - take a deep breathe. You are NOT ALONE. This mom thing is a really, really hard thing to do! Keeping our cool when pushed to the edge, walking hallways at night with sick, hot babies on our shoulders. Working through all those life lessons, that only get harder with each birthday. Praying for our children. Supporting our husbands. Taking care of our parents. Staying strong in the middle of suffering and pain that just won't quit so that our little ones won't see our fears......

 

When you feel like love is hard, its because it really is. But, we are not alone. Hold on to youf FAITH. Hold on to your family. Your friends.

And, remember, love is also healing. Love is wet, sloppy baby kisses. Love is taking a deep breath and being SO grateful for a new morning to start again.

Love is enduring.

It goes on in the face of heartache, complete exhaustion and intense stress.

 

You've got this moms. Today is a new day - LOVE it!

 

 

 

More Than I Can Handle?

                                 

You know that phrase "God Doesn't Give You More Than You Can Handle"?

I think its crap.

I do. I think that if that were true He would have to believe that I am super woman. And, I don't think He believes that. As a matter of fact, I KNOW He doesn't think that! 

These past two weeks were - oh, lets just say they were "challenging"? But, I have come out the other side and am ready to look back and debrief. I have to. Because I know that I will have other challenging days, weeks and months and I will have to make it through those as well. 

About 2 weeks ago, my husband left on a short deployment. No big deal - it was only a couple weeks, something we are becoming very accustomed to. I was a little apprehensive, which struck me as strange, but I attributed it to the fact that I am pregnant and have 3 littles to keep alive - on my own. So, off he went. 

That same day I received a phone call. My father-in-law was not well. Not well as in - needed me to pack up the kids at 5pm and drive an hour and a half away to check on him.  Okay, I got this. Was able to leave the littles with a good friend, which was a blessing as an ambulance was needed and off to the hospital we went. 

For that entire week I spent hundreds on gas as I drove back and forth between home and my father in law's hospital. Thank God he pulled through and that I was able to be there for him. By Friday he was off to rehab to regain strength and recover fully. 

Okay, a little stressful but - hey - emergencies happen, right? Things were totally going to get back to normal now!

So, Friday morning I sat sipping my coffee while the littles pretended to sleep (I threaten majorly anyone who comes out before 7am!) and put together my waaaaay overdue grocery list. 

Once everyone was up my son mentioned that the baby felt warm.

 Ha. Yeah, okay dude. 

Totally disregarded that one. As in, completely forgot to check her.

 A couple hours later - the baby felt warm. 102 read the thermometer. Awesome. 

Okay, no big deal - probably a little fever virus. It will pass. 

So, 24 hours later, Saturday night - I packed up all three littles again and headed back to the Emergency Room. This time for a toddler who's temp wouldn't go lower than 104 and was now wheezing and barking. AWWWWESOME. 

As crazy ER doctor muses that a spinal tap and septic blood work up may be in order (reeeeally dude? Give us a steroid shot and meds for the fever and send us on our way!) I gave in to a momentary lapse in control. My stomach began to churn. 

** warning** the next few lines are gross, but reality is gross sometimes. And here at Blessings, Grace and Wine, I keep it real. And,  I am sure that - pregnant or not - everyone has been here!

I sat on that hospital bed with a feverish, sick baby and two bored littles and my stomach began to hurt. I began to gurgle and sweat before I realized I needed a bathroom. ASAP. Really? A stress & pregnancy induced IBS attack HERE?! In this gross, crowded, people-lying-on-stretchers in the hallway emergency room? I stood up to find a bathroom quick when my little sick monkey screamed in protest. 

So, off I went to the bathroom down the hall, with the baby holding tight.

After I was done, baby still wrapped tightly around my neck, I apologized, deeply, to those lying outside the bathroom door. And again when I returned. And then again a third time. 

At this point, after I refused the spinal tap and blood work and the steroid shot and fever meds had begun their miraculous work, I informed the nurses that we needed to leave. NOW. It had been 5 hours. Baby was better. But to be honest. I didn't care. I was done. I was ready to go home. 

It took a few days for the cranky, sick baby to return to just the cranky baby and hubby surprised us by coming home a couple days early. Father in law is leaving rehab and returning home tomorrow and things are slowly returning to normal. 

Or course they are. Daddy is home now. 

My nightmare is over. For now. He leaves again in a week. lol

But, guess what, moms??!  We ALL go through these nightmares! We ALL have circumstances that we go through and our friends shake their heads and say - man, I don't know how you do it. But, guess what? We do it. We do it because its just what we have to do. 

Its not like I woke and up thought, hm - feeling pretty super human this week, so, life - bring it on. 

Ha.

Nope. 

But, life brought it anyway. And, I dealt with it. Not because I'm awesome. Because I'm mom. 

Because my littles needed me to. Because my father in law needed me to. Because it was what I had to do. 

This week is bringing its own challenges - and I will face those head on too. 

With faith - I couldn't do this alone. With stubborn pride. And, with GRACE. 

Because God DOES give us more than we can handle, the difference is - He doesn't expect us to do it alone. 

He is right there by our side, and gives us angels to help us along the way. 

I am grateful for my angels these past few weeks, and for the Grace that enveloped me when I thought I had reached the end of my ability to deal. 

And, of course, for the lesson in humility as I sat with sick baby on my lap, letting go, in that emergency room bathroom. 

Hang in there moms. You absolutely can handle this, you can get through it, and you will come out the other side stronger and far more confident. Just remember, Grace and Angels. Grace and Angels. 

 

Say "NO" to Blogs!

 

                                                              

I know, I know ~ the irony, huh? 

But, seriously. No more blogs, moms. No more parenting websites or Pinterest. No more Facebook groups. We need to unite as moms and just start saying no! 

The problem? 

Well, I don't know about you but here is the majority of what I see:

100 Things Your Daughter Should Learn Before She Goes to College

100 Things to Teach Your Son Before He Becomes A Man

9,000 Ways to Teach Your Child Character

Why You Should Never Leave the House

Home Cooked Meals and How You Too Can Provide One Every Night

How to Make Your Crazy Toddler Normal Again

Teach Your Children to ...............Do Anything and Look Gorgeous Doing It. 

Okay, okay - you see where I am going with all this? Now, don't get me wrong. There is a lot of information out there that is so incredibly helpful. But, more often than not, it is simply overwhelming and brings you down instead of encouraging you. 

I mean, 100 Things Your Daughter Should Know Before She Goes to College? Come on moms! We do not need to read stuff like that! Instead of wasting our time stressing over whether we will remember to teach our (currently 5 year old) daughter to change a tire is ridiculous. And, of course we are going to teach our sons to respect women, to be patient and courageous. To be men of integrity. 

We have our own character and integrity, and we need to start trusting it. Instead we browse all these wonderful parenting blogs, helpful websites and overzealous Facebook groups. And, don't even get me started on Pinterest! We need to stop. 

Now, I am not saying that when we run into a specific problem that we shouldn't seek help, of course we should. But, lets first look to books, other normal, down to earth friends and maybe - oooh - just maybe moms who have made it through to the other side! Now there is a wealth of information and encouragement! 

See, we all struggle with making sure we are remembering to teach all the right things ((um, homeschool mom here - you can't get more "struggle" than that!)) but we waste our time on sources that only make us wish we were doing more. On places that make us think that most moms have it together. That most moms actually cook a real, home cooked meal 6 or 7 times a week. 

** disclaimer** IF YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT, DO NOT TELL OTHER MOMS. CUZ, WE DON'T*****

We waste our time browsing sites that will help us "get organized" but instead make us look around our disaster zones wondering where we went wrong. Oh Pinterest - I love you and hate you. I love the fact that you have shown me perfection is, by some weird soul, somewhere on earth - achievable and yet I and hate you for the same. 

Guess what moms? 

Your toddler will totally be normal again - when they turn 25 and have their own baby. 

Your house will be clean and beautiful again - and you will want to run from the quiet that engulfs you. 

Your children will learn character - by watching YOU. 

Your sons and daughters will learn everything they need to know by the time they leave, and if they don't?? They will call home to ask. 

And, finally - peanut butter and jelly is totally fine for dinner at least twice a week, as long as there is love and conversation around the table. 

Come on moms, jump off this crazy "Read my Blog" roller coaster (um, clearly there are exceptions......) and come back to the reality of your own, individual family. We need to stop focusing on if we are doing it right and just start trusting ourselves and enjoying the few, precious years we have with our little ones. 

So, join with me and say no to all these wonderful websites, blogs and articles that are not encouraging! 

Instead, call a dear friend, read an age old, trusted BOOK, or just talk with someone who has survived this whole parenting thing! 

 

Good luck today moms, and remember - we are all in the same boat, struggling with the same things! 

But, these years are short and your littles will make it through just fine, whether you are a perfect mom today or not! 

Say Cheese!

                              
I admit it. I am a trigger happy, photo-takin' momma. My kids are constantly having their picture taken. They learned at an early age to "freeze and cheeze"or ELSE! "Smile like you mean it" - yeah, they hear that often. I have baby books (well, at least for the older two) stuffed full of pictures, and a thoroughly documented journey of childhood. Some day these kiddos are going to be able to look back and maybe even remember some really fun childhood moments. Even now my middle little loves to bring out her baby book and see what she looked like when "she was little" lol.
                    But, the other day my daughter pointed out something that broke my heart. "Mommy, there aren't any of you and me!"
What? Of course there is one in there, there must be. 
And, there were - a bunch when she was born. See, I AM in pictures. But, after that. . . . once we were home from the hospital - she was right, pictures of mommy were few and far between. I mean of course there was an occasional picture of me in the background of a birthday party or at Christmas. But, there were not many where I was intentionally posing and smiling with my family.  
                    This, if you think about it - makes sense! I am often the one who is snapping the picture, or I am the one who was able to get everyone else dressed and pretty but somehow I missed the memo. There just wasn't enough time for momma to run a brush through her hair! Or.......I haven't lost the baby weight, or I have a headache and it shows or - lets be honest - I just don't want my picture taken. You feel my pain, right?
                     

              But what about when this is all said and done - will I regret not being in more pictures? When I visit my parents one of my favorite things to do is look through old pictures of my mom and us kids. . . .there are pictures on almost every wall. But, not many of my mom. You see, she was in the background, carrying the bags, wiping noses, fixing hair so our pictures would be perfect. But, those few - the ones where she is holding me, or a candid photo of my mom with all of us kids - those pictures are my absolute favorites. I wish there were more. I want to see her as my mom. I want to see how she held me, I want to see her interactions with my brothers and me. I wish there were more pictures of my mom.

               Too often as moms we dodge pictures because we don't have make up on, or our hair is a mess, or ugh those grays! Not to be Debbie Downer here but guess what? By the time our kids are able to notice these little gray hairs or those few extra pounds -  we are gonna look a LOT worse! Not having make up on will be the LEAST of our worries! We are going to be very different looking from how we are now - we are really going to look old then! So, give up moms. Give up on looking good for pictures. Stop dodging that camera and start allowing (and even ASKING) trigger happy photographers to snap those precious moments of you with your babies. Or of you with your husband. Those are so important, so beautiful. You have created a legacy through your children. You are investing your time, energy and love to help mold another generation. Don't avoid becoming part of beautiful memories because you don't have make-up on. Lets give our children, grandchildren and GREAT grandchildren some photographs that they will cherish while we still can. They will want to see each crazy moment of their childhood - with their most cherished, beautiful momma in the actual picture.                  

                      

Sugar and Spice and ......DRAMA!

                                          

                     
It's a girl!
The very first time you hear those words its like a dream come true. A little girl. What a blessing! Of course, so is a little boy. But, for today's blog we are going to focus on little girls.
You know, back in the "old days" a little girl was valued far less than little boys. Families prayed for boys, boys babies were treasured. Girl babies were accepted. Dealt with. Too many little girls and not enough boys and the family was pitied. Now a days is much different. Isn't it?
Hm, you know - I don't think so.
We had a boy and a girl. Pregnant with my third, we debated finding out the sex of the baby. I caved, what can I say - I'm a planner. It was a girl. Oh, I was happy. But, maybe a little disappointed? Nervous even? TWO little girls? Yikes. And the reaction I received from others was no better. "Another little girl? Wow, you are going to have your hands full!" It was not the same reaction as one would have received hundreds of years ago, yet - it was far from the reaction I would have gotten if I had said we were having a boy.
My "hands full" - hm. Why?
 Well, I think most people view little girls as more, um, shall we say "difficult"? Sometimes, I agree. They are very, very "difficult'. For those of you with all boys - here is a little insight to my life with precious little girls. I live with up and down emotions, feelings that are so strong they appear very physical. With constant neediness - the need for physical love, hugs, touch. With the need for reassurance and acceptance. I live with questions that range from "mommy, why doesn't that girl like me? I want her to be my best friend" to "mommy, will you still be my mommy in heaven"? Deep thoughts are part of my day - every time I look into those deep brown eyes they are full of emotions, feelings, thoughts and questions.
Little girls are full of drama - and therefore so is my life. A simple, quiet discipline will turn into a complete and utter meltdown - just because she couldn't put dolly down to brush her teeth(clearly because it would mess up her hair). And, my little girls are only 5 and one and a half. I can only imagine how the drama and emotions will become larger and larger.
But, you know what? I wouldn't change it for the world. Of course, every mom says that, and we all mean it. However, I see a very special charge in raising little girls. Boys obviously have their challenges as well. Moms with all boys have a special mission, as well as have been blessed with a special patience all their own! But, raising little girls - I see it as a huge responsibility and blessing from above. Let me tell you what I see when I look at my emotional, dramatic little girls.

I see......a college student with her whole life in front of her. She can do or become anything. A doctor, scientist, engineer, missionary, explorer, President, teacher of young hearts, chef, etc. Its my job to fill her with that confidence, that drive. To teach her that she is a strong, capable woman. That even as an unsure high school student - she is a wondrous child of God who can do and beomce anything she wants to. Such a responsibility for a mom of little girls. How many of us walked with such confidence, or received such instruction at home as children? Well, as moms to little girls - we CAN instill this in their hearts. It is our job. We are raising the women and leaders of tomorrow.

I see a.......wife. A child who will someday grow up and marry her prince charming. How am I taking these wild emotions I see now and molding them, teaching this young woman how to handle them so that she can develop a meaningful, thriving marriage some day? Do I let her have free reign? Give in to those crazy, drama filled mornings where she must wear what she wants or her life is over? Ha. For those who know me, know I accept the challenge. Of course not. But, is how we handle the emotions of a 5, 6, or 7 year old really going to affect the relationship she will have with her husband? Absolutely. It takes work, time, energy and diligence to raise a little girl. But, oh - the amazing woman she will become is beyond our wildest dreams.

Lastly......I see a mother. I see a woman who will raise our next generation. Parenting is a generational thing. It feels like we are living in the moment, moms. It feels like we are trying to just survive today. But, remember this - you are raising the women who will raise your grandchildren. Your sweet baby girl will have her own sweet babies. And, raising our next generation - as you well know - is quite a challenge and responsibility. Being a mom is, by far, the hardest job in the world. I think 99% of the population would agree with that. Hm. Maybe that would be why raising little girls can be so hard? Maybe these emotional, dramatic, wild, stubborn, strong willed little girls are perfectly designed that way?

Maybe our good Lord created us, as women, to be able to handle the difficulties that raising a family would entail. Maybe, just maybe, raising little girls has its specific challenges because we are raising the mothers of tomorrow. Moms who will face the same difficult, exhausting, discouraging days that we do. Moms who will need a strong foundation to take these tiny little beings and help them become functioning, capable adults who will live full, blessed lives.
Hm, maybe raising little girls is a special blessing all its own. When my little girls run to me and start brushing my hair, or climb up in my lap to kiss my cheek I remember this. When I the drama begins before 6:30 in the morning, or when it lasts well past 8:00 at night - I take a deep breath, and remember this.

So, here I am, sitting here with my coffee, wondering now what baby number 4 will be. I have one boy, two little girls. Guess what everyone wants us to have? Yep, a boy. And, oh that would be so wonderful! What a blessing. My son would love a brother, and my husband would love another little boy. It would be perfect - 2 boys, 2 girls. But, you know - deep, deep, DEEP down........another little girl would make my heart happy. Because I see the huge responsibility and blessing it is. A gift I would be given. To raise another woman of tomorrow. . . . . makes my heart happy. So, boy or girl - healthy, happy baby! I will take it. Either one. I will do my best, each day to raise these littles to have pure hearts, strong heads and capable bodies.  Remember moms, as you handle these wild emotions of your daughters.....you have in your hands tomorrow's mothers, tomorrow's world leaders, tomorrow's teachers. What an incredible honor, a blessing, a gift........and a big responsibility. One we should remember not to take it lightly.

Don't Let It Show!

                                                

  

"The face is the window to the soul" ...... yeaaaah. That's awesome.
See, this has always been a BIG problem for me. I remember working as a teacher's assistant when I was 20 and being called into the Principal's office. I had messed up. Don't remember what I did - and yes, even at 20 I was a bit oh, lets just say - unpredictable! Anyway, the principal just informed me that whatever I had said or done was not the way things went around there. I, clearly, disagreed with my chastisement but kept my mouth shut and nodded. As I was allowed to leave she stopped me at the door with a gentle, but firm warning.....
"Be careful, your feelings are written all over your face"

Gulp.
Heh, heh. Okaaaay. That was the very first time I realized that my innermost thoughts and feelings actually showed. All. Over. My. Face. And, I didn't intend them to!
Well, I wouldn't make that mistake again!
Except I do. Every single day.

My husband is a genius. I don't know how he always knows. Even when I say "I'm FINE." or......."That's fine" or, "Whatever" - he can still tell I'm lying! And, he calls me out on it! Then we have to talk and oh man. How does he figure it out?

And my kids, lol - oh I can stop those adorable littles in their tracks with the raise of an eyebrow. What power I have with them. I can make them grin and run into my arms with a loving smile. Or, I can reduce them to feeling devastated and alone with a simple angry, awful stare.

At the grocery store, the lady who just nearly ran  my cart and my children and me into the stack of bread - oh - let me just tell you the nasty look she got!
Clearly I have perfected the art of expressing myself without making a sound. In fact, I think most of us are pretty good at this.

My 5 yo little is a beautiful spirit. She is someone I adore, and is going to become an amazing woman someday. Unfortunately, she has developed my little habit of "face-making". Whenever my little gets in trouble, she will walk away with angry eyebrows and a huge roll of the eyes....all the while muttering made up words under her breath. WHAT?
Who is this child???? She can't do that!
Obviously, I stop her every time (intentional parenting!!) and call her back to me. This last time we spoke about how the problem wasn't only the disrespect she was showing to me, it was about how the feelings in her heart were coming through on her face. It wasn't a face issue, or even a self control issue. It was a heart issue.

(side note: My 7yo at this point chipped in with his suggestion, taken directly from Disney's Frozen. "All you have to do is conceal it, don't feel it - don't let it show! Let it go, let it go................"
ha ha ha, love these kids!)

Well, anyway - so we are working on this. Together. As a family. I believe its important for my kids to know - Mommy's not perfect either. My heart is so often in the wrong place - and when it takes over my face and affects other people - I need to stop and regain control. I have to work on self control every single day. Not to stop myself from flying off the handle, no. Self control is a much sneakier adversary. We loose control every single day - multiple times - without even realizing it. The looks I give people, the words I mutter under my breath while I am driving. The spoon I slam down on the counter. The door I shut a little too hard. The words that slip out when I am upset with my littles.
My kids know I am working on self control. But, today I am going to focus on my face. It does, after all, reflect my heart. I am going to try to smile at my kids all day long. Even when I don't feel like smiling at them!
 I am going to grin and forgive that crazy lady at the grocery store (maybe let out a little "beep beep!" just so she knows we are in front of her?!) Today I am going to try to stop the anger from taking over my heart - and appearing on my face.

Words are a powerful weapon, but sometimes we can hurt with only a look. I am trying to teach this very important lesson to my children and therefore - its a lesson I need to relearn myself.
Good luck today moms. Take a breath,  we are all a work in progress.....and our kids need to know that. Smile at your children today. Let them see that your heart is happy. Smile at the lady at the grocery store, she may be in a world of hurt all her own. Even if you don't feel it at first - sometimes it takes a conscious effort to change our heart -  try to put the smile on your face. You may be amazed at the reactions you will get.

Each Day is A GIFT

                                                      

 

Such a common saying. We know this already. I have blogged about it before! Our littles are a blessing, each day is a gift, enjoy and cherish it......its all been said. We all know it.
Then tragedy strikes. It finds our family. Our loved one. Our dear friends. Our community.
My last blog was about not living in fear. We see bad things all around us and instead of living in fear of them happening, we should be thankful for each day and live it to the fullest.
Well, today's blog is expanding on that a bit. Call it a part 2 if you will.

This week has been a very difficult one for me. This post is a difficult one to write. But its one I need to. Its a post we all need to read once in a while. Because, our gifts - our very precious blessings - become ordinary. They become annoyances. Our precious littles become frustrating. Our husbands or wives become one of many on our list of grievances.

This week, our dear friends have been suffering through something NO parent should ever, ever have to go through. One of their little miracles is fighting for her life. A week ago, it was just another long night with a baby - bottles, diapers, fussy afternoons. Now - they would give anything to have that back. They are holding on to every last bit of hope and have the whole country praying for a miracle.

Our community in Boston lost two of our finest. Just like that. Our heroes are gone. They went rushing in, not a thought of themselves. Didn't look back. So young - they left devastated families behind.
These two events have left me emotional empty. Hours I have cried and prayed for this little baby and her family. Disbelief I felt as I watched the fire and aftermath in Boston.

These are tragedies. They are devastating. This is a sad post to write - but there is a purpose behind this. So often we ask why. Why would this be allowed to happen. Why to these amazing people? Oh they are answers we just don't have and no amount of faith in the world makes it ok. So, can anything even remotely positive come out of it?

Well, I stopped yesterday - in a very frustrating moment with my littlest little. She doesn't have a ton of words yet and has taken to whining every command. Over. and Over. and Over. (This particular stage - while I adore her - drives me to the point of severe frustration. We all have kiddos who go through difficult stages. Newborns, toddlers, terrible 3's, pre adolescent, teenagers. If there hasn't been a stage yet - there will be, new moms, I promise.) Well, yesterday was a particularly rough day. I got her down from her high chair after 10 min of non stop whining (clearly I didn't serve her exactly what she was expecting) I went to walk away to take a breath - and I stopped. I reached down and picked her up and just held her.
I felt her little heart beating, smelled her baby fresh hair and kissed her sweet little neck. How precious. What a gift.  A gift I may not have tomorrow. A gift I have been given today.
There is no guarantee for tomorrow. Its not something we should expect, or think we deserve. Our children, our husbands, our parents, our relatives and our friends are all precious, precious gifts! Every morning we wake up is our own chance at a new day. A new, amazing gift of life.
When these tragedies strike - sickness, fires, plane crashes, death - it can really affect our hearts - our emotions. Why? Because we realize for that brief moment how precious each life.....and each day is. We realize that no tomorrow is certain. Life is fragile and not to be taken for granted.
So, should we walk around in fear? Terrified when our loved ones walk out the door? When they sneeze or cough?When we don't hear from them exactly when we should? 
Clearly not. Faith is something we need to develop and practice, and fear has no place in a peaceful, joyful life.

Nor should we forget how precious each day with them is. How perfectly lovely each wet baby kiss is. How grateful we should be for the pictures colored for us by sticky little hands. That the toys we trip over are reminders of the amazing gifts asleep in their beds. How our spouse's frustrating habits are simply a reminder that he is there. Asleep next to us. Walking by our side the next day.

So moms - pray with me for these families - as they walk through these difficult days, trying to come to terms with what they are going through.
And, then - stop. And thank the Lord for your life. No matter how frustrating, or stressful or truly difficult things may seem at this moment. You are awake. You have been given a new day. Your littles are sleeping sweetly in their beds, probably waking up soon. What an incredible gift. Take in their sweet smells, their giggles and their tears. Know that each moment with them is blessed. Love your husband. Call him, text him. Show him he is special and loved. Your family members that drive you crazy - they won't always be there.
 Don't forget to say I love you, tomorrow is not a guarantee, its a gift.

No Fear

                                           

So......I am scared. Yep. I am afraid of so many things. Its weird. I was not always like this. I wasn't the kid who was afraid of the dark, or strangers, or bugs! I didn't have those nightmares kids have (maaaay get a call from Mom after she reads this. We may remember things differently!) I never had those strange phobias....like a certain adorable 5 year old who is unable to go potty at night for fear of the non-existent bug in the toilet!
 Nope, not me. I was pretty darn brave. Even after I got married, I was proud of my ability to "handle things". I was that "outspoken, not afraid of any guy" kind of girl!

Fast forward. I have just given birth. I am holding this precious little miracle in my arms. 8lbs of pure perfection. I would have given my life at that exact moment to protect this amazing little angel sent from heaven.
Oh. My. Gosh. I am officially terrified. My husband deployed a few days after my oldest little was born. I was a wreck. I was afraid. What if something happened to him? What would I do? I left my little 6 week old miracle with his Godmother for the first time so I could run to the pharmacy. I was gone 45min. I was a hot mess. I was terrified. What if he needed me? What if something happened, like an earthquake? How would I get to him?
Well, clearly I have evolved a bit - those random, crazy terrors of a first time momma are a bit less intense, less irrational. However, I am officially a more fearful person. Becoming a wife and mother help to create a new type of feeling, a new love. It creates something you can't explain, like a ferocious type of "momma bear" fierceness that can only be described as love.
You wouldn't know I am terrified, I hide it well.
I am better now than I was 4 or 5 years ago. I was in rough shape then. When my husband would leave for work, he would have to call me or text me when he got there. My kids didn't drive with anyone but us (well, they still don't for the most part!). When sickness came my heart braced for the worst diagnosis. If there was a chance for a babysitter, I would worry something would happen to us - what would become of my kids?!
It was not something that consumed me, just the occasional, random moment of terror. Fear that would, just once in a while, grip my heart. But, it was awful. I loved these amazing gifts from God (my husband included) so much I could not fathom life any other way.
And, then the thinking would start. I didn't deserve these amazing little people in my life. Bad things happen to good people. We are too blessed. I waited for the other shoe to drop.

Mommas - its a rough way to think and live. Trust me. I know. It really takes the joy away from a life that should be lived in peace and happiness. A life full of blessings meant to be enjoyed.
Here comes the "faithy" part. I was right. About everything. I didn't deserve these amazing gifts. Bad things do happen to good people. We are blessed.
We are blessed.
Me. My family.
Created by an All-Powerful, Mighty God. He formed my little miracles in my womb, me gave me the gift of a husband - to be by my side for as long as the Lord has planned. He loves my children. He loves me. He. Loves. Me. Could I trust this Maker with what I held most dear?
It was a struggle, for sure. Of course I knew He could take care of us. But, I also knew that random, awful things happen to wonderful people all the time. How could I expect to be any different?
Because He loves me. I needed to believe that. It won't change anything - random awful, heartbreaking things could happen to my precious family or me at any time. But, I belong to a Mighty God who has blessed me for a purpose and has called me to the life I now live.
I chose to stop living in fear - even if it was a closet fear no one knew about. I chose to start thanking Him every day for my blessings. I realized that each blessing was given for a reason. What was I doing with them? My focus needed to shift from fear of loosing those blessings to joy in exploring what I was going to do with my blessings. How would I raise my children? What kind of people will I send out into this world? How would I treat my husband? What kind of wife will I be to him?

Could I still loose these things I hold most dear? Absolutely. But, my faith has grown by leaps and bounds and I now take each day for what it is. A gift. A gift full of blessings to enjoy, love, cherish , teach and mold. To be honest, I do a lot more thanking now than worrying. My fear has turned into gratitude. Gratitude for the time I do have with my littles, with my best friend, with my family and friends. Each moment is a gift. I have faith that our lives will be full and blessed.
If something catastrophic happens.......I know I am loved. Loved and carried through.

So, take a deep breath mommas. Let go of those fears deep down. You DO deserve the blessings you have been given. Say a prayer of thanks, give them an extra hug and kiss and get back to the job molding those littles to bless the world as biggies.